Hmm. I guess it is difficult, keeping in touch with people. I haven't spoken to Cat (or any of them, really) since I left the dorms. I have been sending text messages and leaving comments on her Facebook. But I feel like I am the only one making an effort. I don't want this to be the kind of friendship, where it just ends abruptly after we stop seeing each other (although it feels like it is). This is very unfortunate.

I told her that I'd send her a package.

I used to try to make friends by handing out band stickers in school. I'd give them what they'd like, and in return, I get the possibility of having a new friend. I'm awful at meeting people. But none of those people with the band stickers or buttons or CD singles ever became anything to me. The only good friends I have are the ones I didn't try to buy off with some sort of gift. I guess what I am trying to say is that, I don't want to buy her friendship. I am still adjusting to having my privacy again, and not speaking or seeing her everyday. It's kind of weird. 

Hmm. I'll call her sometime. Cat, that is. The others? No, I don't want them.

Hello, Sacramento.

I have been in town for almost a week. It feels like Limbo here - I've neither fully adjusted nor did my time in Los Angeles feel real at all. It was a dream, I want to tell myself. And all the people I met there - Cat, Jessi, Grace, etc - only existed because of pure imagination. As for being back home, I feel like my time here is limited and I could be whisked away to UCLA at any moment. I eat a lot, far more than I should, because I can't shake off the feeling that I only have a few days to spend here. It is odd. I want to go everywhere, even though I know that I have three months to spend in town. IKEA one day, and Fry's Electronics the next day. I go to Target almost everyday, but I never have anything to buy.

Slow it down, miss. You're back home.

 Gosh, I'm a pretty awful student. And extraordinarily lazy, as well. 

I know I should go to class. I know I shouldn't be tempted to skip, because this is a fine institution and others have worked their whole teenage years for acceptance into this "world-class university". But, I know I can also do well without going to that one single stupid class. I justify this with my midterm exam scores and the fact that she posts her lecture notes online. Additionally, it's apparent to anyone whose attended that class once, that she reads them off almost verbatim.

Still, I know I ought to go. Even if not to listen, it's still better, somehow, if I didn't just stay behind. Hmm... I wonder if my roommates think I am doing myself a great misfortune by going back to Sacramento? Regardless, I know I can do well on my exams without having attended lecture. Just look at my grades.

I know I don't try nearly as hard as my other roommates, and I've deduced it to one single reason: I have no real goals after my undergraduate career. I'd be infinitely more involved, if I had something to work towards. In this regard, I wish my roommates wouldn't call me lazy so often. True, I'm not as academically-oriented as they are, but their constant remarks and mockeries make it seem as if I have never studied for a single class in my life. The Asian roommate (oh, we'll just call her Ling for the sake of assignment) exemplifies this thought. It's a bit condescending to find her surprised, everytime I mention anything about my having studied for any subject at all. Every time this occurs, I feel like pushing the same sentiments onto her, by mentioning how inferior her English is compared to mine. Of course, I am civil and, generally, a nice person and want to avoid any sort of visible conflict within the dorm. The way I see it, there's no point in making my living area any more uncomfortable than it is. I'm giddy off the fact that I will probably never see her next year.

Then there's the case for Joseph, who contradicts himself almost every time he mentions me. He can't possibly believe me to have picked my classes based solely on its location on campus. Even though I joke around, it is almost obvious that I don't. The Fowler Museum is the prime location of Anthropological studies on campus, equipped with classrooms, offices, and laboratories. With this in mind, how surprising is it that the bulk of my classes happen to be situated within this building? That's as obvious as having an English class in the Humanities Building. Additionally, I chose to take French History because there simply weren't any other history classes that would have offered a good break between my first class - I'd fall asleep if I didn't have that break. Lastly, if I was so adamant about taking classes exclusive to Fowler, I wouldn't have taken my Primate Behavior class. Simple as that. Backtracking, Joseph probably doesn't know how much of a hypocrite he is. I recall him being rather hurt upon spending time with my roommate and listening to her jokes that have "gone too far". Yet, he unrelentingly does the same to me. How peculiar...

Now, on the other hand, I do not mind when my immediate roommate makes fun of me. Perhaps its the level of intimacy that allows this, but when she jokes around, I know it's in no way malicious.

Gosh, this entry has gone on to be a full-on rant. No matter. This means that my class should be officially over, and I no longer feel like I have wasted my time not going.

Hmm. It's 1:40 am. I can never sleep early. :/

So, I've been updating this pretty frequently lately. I want to write about a happier topic, something that doesn't include anything about school or the roommates or even the sorority. Just something... nice, and maybe even, hopeful.

I skipped class entirely on Tuesday, due to extreme heat and laziness. It was nice sleeping the entire day. I've been speaking to Joe a lot lately, and talking to him makes me day go by quicker and it ends on a happy note. I've recently been in contact with Sabrina, through MySpace, unfortunately. But it's nice knowing that she's alive and doing well for herself. I told her about how Joe and I are pretty sure we're going to marry each other one day. And she seems to be settling down with her Joe pretty nicely.

I think, without having Joe in my life, I would be very empty and sad. What a stupid thing to say? No. I think I fell in love with the right guy this time. And I know I'm incredibly lucky to be with him. Even though we get into our little disagreements, or I get upset somehow, he's the only person I can't fall asleep, knowing that something is not right between us. So, every night, we work things out. And even though life gets the better of me sometimes, I feel better, thinking about Joe before I go to sleep.

In fact, that's what I'm going to go do. Right now.

I'm over it.

I gave her the chance of being on "friendly" terms and, possibly, going back to the way things were before this incident. But since she's still being unreasonably childish, I guess there really is no reason for me to be "friendly". She hadn't called me to join her for lunch, like she normally does, which is a sign that she is still pissed off at me. A clearer sign is the utter silence I received when I said "hi" to her just now. 

Normally, I'd confront her and asked, "hey, are you upset with me? Because if you are, we can work things out." Similar to what I had done with our Australian roommate. But in this case, especially since I tried being friendly and considering the fact that I was accused of some rather retarded shit, I honestly don't want to. My concern was that things did not get awkward in the dorms, especially since that's the last thing I want to come home to. 

Yeah, it does piss me off that she's still behaving this way. But I'm not going to fret about it anymore. There's no real point in doing so, since there's less than two months of school left. Also, I don't want to be "friends" with anyone of that ugly nature.

Last night was the definition of an awful night. I kept rethinking the whole sorority business - whether I felt comfortable or even belonged in it, whether I was even proud - and coupled with the whole Asian roommate fiasco, I literally shook with confusion and anxiety.

She didn't even speak to me last night, when she came home. They didn't even talk about the problem, and when I asked Jessi why that was, she responded by saying that the Asian roommate was clearly shaken up with nervousness. Thus, there was no point in bringing up the problem at all. And they spoke casually, like nothing happened, which made her feel less tense in the dorm. At first, I felt this was acceptable - to not bring up the problem, even though both parties were well aware that they each knew - because she was so nervous about it. Then, when I was alone and thinking about it some more, I realized how incredibly stupid it was that no one brought it up. Nothing got resolved. Both parties still feel tension. Why not just get it over with, so friends can be friends and problems can be the past?

My Asian roommate is handling this very poorly, and seems incredibly frightened by confrontation. Inevitable confrontation. Had she simply talked about it Sunday night, everything would have been fine now. But she's prolonging it, simply because she feels that she is the bad guy in this scenario, when no one is or even accused of her being so. Jessi's very cool and understanding, which should have made the confrontation very easy on her. Instead, she pretends like nothing's happened. This is incredibly stupid.

But yes, she completely avoided me last night. I don't think I even saw her once. Cat came back and asked if she had spoken to me, and when I told her no, she continued to comment how much it "sucked". And I was honest with her, "You know, I'd like it if we were on speaking terms, but I won't consider her a friend anymore." And I told her that friends do not accuse each other of such things, etc. Besides, it wasn't like I was going to live with her next year. And since she's in a whole other part of the campus, seeing her would be... improbable. Thank goodness.

It was me who spoke to her first today, because I do want us to be on, at least, "friendly" terms. I said hi to her and asked her about her midterm, etc. She seemed very shaken up still and probably didn't expect me to speak to her, and she looked very awkward. So, I let her be afterwards. We spoke again briefly tonight, after my sorority meeting. She asked me for help with her laundry and I went down to the laundry room to figure out what was wrong with the machine. I even went and got her detergent for her, all to show that I was neither upset nor angry, but instead... normal. I told her about the sorority and how much it costs, and she - this without being much of a surprise - disapproved, like a mother whose child is begging for cookies before dinner. She said, "you can join another club I know that costs the same, but it offers internships". I told her I'd think about it, but she didn't quite understand that it wasn't just fundraisers and volunteer work that I was interested in, but actual friendship. I didn't bother explaining this to her, because she probably wouldn't have understood - she being focused on making herself look more attractive on her pharmacy school applications. I honestly think the sorority would be more of a benefit.

Enough about her. We're not friends, let me remind you.

 I wish someone would laugh at me right now. At least, it would take my mind off of today. That conflict? Most likely, it's about to be resolved. But the wonderfully stupid thing is that I started a conflict of my own with my Asian roommate. Apparently, I should have done things differently. Obviously, I should have just left it alone for them to deal with. I mean, yeah, why not wait so we can all have one big ass house meeting and unload everything on her. Make her feel like she's got no one here to call a friend. 

Oh, but wait!

According to my roommate, Jessi does have a friend. And that's me. I'm her only friend in this dorm, because I make the other roommates look bad, by voicing other people's problems and not my own. Thanks roomie, I sure appreciate it. Oh yeah, I understand, I should have hinted at her to go buy her own shit and stop using yours. Just like what you do, when you have to hide the hand soap from her every time you step away from the sink. Now, there's a way to solve your problem. Oh yeah, the thing you posted up on Facebook. That apparently worked like a charm, too.

I called my Asian roommate again a few hours later, to tell her that she was going to talk to her and she just wanted to make things right. And I tried to apologize, but she said "bye" quickly and didn't seem like she wanted to speak with me. Conflict. It's okay. The more I think about it, it feels like I didn't do anything terribly wrong. Maybe I did make a mistake of not voicing my problems with her, but at least I got one problem out in the open. If your problem finally gets solved because one of us finally said something about it, good for you. You don't have to worry about that anymore, after you guys get things settled. Then, instead of acting like a child, you can start being a friend.

As for "being a friend", it's nice to know that the first thing that comes into mind is me purposely making you and Cat look bad. Not that I genuinely wanted to help you, nevermind the fact that I never even mentioned Cat's name in this conflict. 

Man. What we learn about people... Life lesson learned.

I am very uneasy right now. My anxiety's making my stomach hurt.

I am about to join a sorority. I have not met the president or any of the members, and got roped into joining because my roommate was joining. They are coming over to the dorm tomorrow for the induction ceremony. Nervous. This is more serious than I previously thought. The National Council of the sorority came here from Arizona, just to perform the induction. I don't even have the formal clothes required to go to this. :/

I think most of my anxiety rests on whether or not I'd have to speak extensively about myself and why I am supposedly interested in joining. I don't want to make it seem like I care little for this (I really do want to join, you can tell by me needing to write a journal entry for it). It's just that I have no strong feelings about empowering women or gay rights. I just simply want to help people and make good friends in the process of it. In addition, I wonder how the other members of the group are. Are they nice, kind people? Do they party and drink and smoke? Would they like me and I like them? I just find it odd that I have never met any of the people before, and I am forced to get along with them the first night I see them and everytime afterwards. Is that how a sorority works?

I also went over the roommate problem with my boyfriend last night. I think I should be the one to break up tensions around here and finally start to get things back to the way things ought to be. First, I will sit her down alone and tell her gently that my roommate doesn't feel comfortable having her things used without permission. And that I am only telling her because I am her friend. Throw in something about my roommate not wanting to offend her, at the same time, not knowing how to approach the conflict. End it with "you ought to talk to her on Sunday, when she comes back". Okay, I think that should do the job.

I still feel very uneasy.

This evening was an eye-opener. Archaeology and Anthropology? I love you, but I want to raise a family one day and give them every opportunity to live good lives. A good chunk of that means, simply, to pursue whatever interest they feel passionate about or would enrich their lives. What a romantic thought, right? Yes, but that's truth for you.

It's frustrating, not being able to do the things that you want. I've always said, if there's one thing that I want to spend my life doing is to play music. Heh. You know what the last thing my grandma said to me was? "It's nice that we have such a smart girl like you in our family. Because out of everyone in the entire family, you're the only one who will make something out of their life."

How can I tell them, "I probably won't be able to support any of you"? It's not a fucking choice. I can't study orangutans in Borneo, no matter how much I want to. I can't be Dr. Lee of Anthropology. I have to be Dr. Lee of medicine! There's no way around it. Unless I find some other job with a high salary, I'm pretty much stuck.

I cried when I came home. I was almost confident in my changes of plans, until I spoke with my pre-pharmacist roommate. I'm going to graduate from UCLA with an Anthropology degree, go back to community college and major in Biology, get into Berkeley's Integrative Biology program, and hopefully get into a medical school afterwards. Yeah!... No. "That's so stupid. Why are you going to waste four years, getting another degree, when you can just do the requirements for med school?" Here's another: "You're just going to waste your parent's money. You have to think about how much longer they can work, because they can't support you forever." And another: "Why don't you just change your major right now, and stop wasting time? You'll be in school forever and you'll be old when you get out."

I have passions and goals, you know. That's something different between her and I. I congratulate her for being practical, since her focus is on time/money/marriage. Great. Good for you, and I hope you do well. But that's not for me. I love Anthropology. I've always wanted to go to Berkeley. Why would I give up on those things? It's... sick to even imagine myself, passionless. And if I never go now, when else would I find the time? I understand her concerns, but I also believe that your life will be empty if you give up the things that you love, just to make money when you're "young".

I know I sound very contradictory sometimes, but it all makes sense to me. Of course I want to make money. Who doesn't? It's just that you can spend you whole life making money. I want to be proud of the things I have done, before I move to that stage. I don't know why this is so difficult for her to understand. I know I have the support of my parents and boyfriend. Why is it so wrong then, to follow through on my plans?

I'm okay now. I just realized that it makes my life more fulfilling.

I have been home for days, and I have yet to see my friends. I leave in three days, so I hope they'll be free to hang out. Then, I won't feel like such an awful friend.

I'm home.

It feels so nice to lay in my own bed and have my own room again. I miss my roommates, but having my own room is wonderful, and it feels nice to not have to be so considerate all the time. Also, I don't have to be woken up by music on the other side of the room. Also, having a kitchen is absolutely wonderful. No dining hall food this week. :D

I hung out with my grandparents yesterday. They fed me rice and some food we brought over. They're so frail and cute, and they kept asking me about UCLA. I told them the classes were incredibly difficult. They told my that I was smart for getting accepted, and that I will be successful, and thank god I have such a big head. My grandma even gave me $200, which was incredibly kind of her. I put that and the other $300 I had in the bank, so don't worry. I need it to pay for housing. (See, I'm a good kid :D).

Dreamt about Ted a few nights ago. It was odd. I was running down this pier, in the rain, and speaking to people I did not know. I asked if any of them had seen him, and it seemed to have led to me an abandoned cafe at the end of the pier. It was very old and brown, I remember. I looked around the room, underneath overturned tables, and the walls for any traces of him. I think he played music there, and I read the words scribbled along the walls, that he himself wrote. I wore a safari hat and jacket. I felt like an archaeologist. But other than the scribbles and the nostalgic atmosphere of the room, there were no other traces.

Isn't that odd?